Stitchmarks

Jane Siberry singing one of her very early songs “You Don’t Need” some of the lyrics are…

you don’t need anybody
you don’t need any comfort
you don’t need any lovers
you can get it from yourself
you don’t need anyone to want you
don’t want anyone to need you
and I think I have yourself
almost convinced
I have yourself almost convinced

Someone I dated sent this to me after we broke up - it was certainly a cruel gesture but people can be cruel when they are in a place of hurting and confusion. And it honestly was also accurate, I was very good at hurting and confusing people. Unavailable, inaccesible.

Serial. Single. Girl.

For most of my adult dating life I have been known as unapproachable, independent, not accessible, not needing anyone, not affectionate - don’t need anyone to love you, don’t want anyone to need you.

Serial. Single. Girl. I’d even accepted these comments as accurate, a part of myself. “I’m Gonna Break Your Heart”.

So when we met maybe I was a challenge as after all I am 1. serially single, and I certainly thought you were 2. too young for me.

None. Of. That. Really. Matters.

But I fell into what certainly felt like love - and I decided that I would be available, and reliable, generous, affectionate, communicative, available, consistent, honest. I might even try to be vulnerable. I would be things that in the past I had not been. Listening to how a person’s past had hurt them I was committed to not being like that past.

And I was a much better version of myself - oh not perfect - at one point I walked away from it all and back to the person I once was. Stealing off in the middle of the night. But I came back, back to a better more loving and generous version of myself.

And. It. All. Really. Felt. So. Very. Good.

Poetry, music, laughter, touching, texting, talking, holding, music, laughter, poetry, eating, touching, laughing, chat.

And then it seemed just as abruptly it was over. Everything I had done to other people over and over again - happened to me.

I wear you on my soul, like stitchmarks.

And I’m grateful for it all. For loving, for still being in love - for feeling a hurt so exquisite I know I am healed. I know I am healed.

6. National Poetry Month

It's national poetry month -- so it's time for a poem.

Fearing Paris
by Marsha Truman Cooper


Suppose that what you fear
could be trapped
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass
open to you,
except the degrees east or west
of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn't dare
put your toes smack dab on the city limit line.
You're not really willing to stand on a mountainside
miles away,
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side,
you decide to stay completely out of France.
But then danger
seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again.
You need the kind of friend
who learns the secret and says,
"See Paris first."


To my friends, to the truthseekers, to those comfortable with the questions - the bold and the restless... I say "See Paris first!"

E Mail me if you are interested in following me to my new blog location.

I Will Be Moving.

I will be moving my blog over to Word Press - in doing so I will be able to post "password protected" posts. This will allow me more privacy and control over who is reading my blog. While I am a very open person (obviously) recent events have made me feel like this is a good idea.

Additionally I seem to be getting a lot more blog traffic - 75 to 100 people visiting each day and many from Lansing & East Lansing. And it's so weird when you all read and I don't know who you are but you seem to know who I am.

I'm going to go forward writing and doing personal blogging about being queer but I want more control over who is reading some of the material.

So if you'd like to follow me in the move and have access to password protected posts
please send an e-mail to


You are going to need to let me know who you are - yeah well that has been part of the problem hasn't it.

xo-
janet

Day 6: Purging

Purging. I thought we could all use a break from "Failed Relationships: Installment 345" - myself included. I do feel myself releasing this emotionally (and finally) - I am realized it was not that great, she did not really care for me. And I don't frankly know anymore if I really cared for her or was just elated to be in a relationship at all. If in other words I was in love with the idea of falling in love and not the reality.

I just don't know - but letting go. Just letting go of it all - no need to romanticize the miserable.

And yesterday I began "going raw" - I do this occasionally not as a way of eating all the time (it's too severe) but as a kind of fast. So it's 72 hours of raw. Fruits, veggies and yes the green goddess smoothie.

In my smoothie this morning (admit it you are *jealous*)...

Water
Several handfuls of organic baby spinach
organic banana
organic kiwi
mango

Blend together...yum! Actually it is very good and I promise if you make one you really don't even taste the spinach. Besides spinach is delicious. I'll let you know how I feel about it when I break my fast on Friday evening.

If you don't know what all of the "day 1,2, 3, 4 business is about" go here. I am taking the 37 day challenge and am blogging everyday for the next 37 days. But I am not drinking spinach smoothies for 37 days.