Stitchmarks

Jane Siberry singing one of her very early songs “You Don’t Need” some of the lyrics are…

you don’t need anybody
you don’t need any comfort
you don’t need any lovers
you can get it from yourself
you don’t need anyone to want you
don’t want anyone to need you
and I think I have yourself
almost convinced
I have yourself almost convinced

Someone I dated sent this to me after we broke up - it was certainly a cruel gesture but people can be cruel when they are in a place of hurting and confusion. And it honestly was also accurate, I was very good at hurting and confusing people. Unavailable, inaccesible.

Serial. Single. Girl.

For most of my adult dating life I have been known as unapproachable, independent, not accessible, not needing anyone, not affectionate - don’t need anyone to love you, don’t want anyone to need you.

Serial. Single. Girl. I’d even accepted these comments as accurate, a part of myself. “I’m Gonna Break Your Heart”.

So when we met maybe I was a challenge as after all I am 1. serially single, and I certainly thought you were 2. too young for me.

None. Of. That. Really. Matters.

But I fell into what certainly felt like love - and I decided that I would be available, and reliable, generous, affectionate, communicative, available, consistent, honest. I might even try to be vulnerable. I would be things that in the past I had not been. Listening to how a person’s past had hurt them I was committed to not being like that past.

And I was a much better version of myself - oh not perfect - at one point I walked away from it all and back to the person I once was. Stealing off in the middle of the night. But I came back, back to a better more loving and generous version of myself.

And. It. All. Really. Felt. So. Very. Good.

Poetry, music, laughter, touching, texting, talking, holding, music, laughter, poetry, eating, touching, laughing, chat.

And then it seemed just as abruptly it was over. Everything I had done to other people over and over again - happened to me.

I wear you on my soul, like stitchmarks.

And I’m grateful for it all. For loving, for still being in love - for feeling a hurt so exquisite I know I am healed. I know I am healed.

6. National Poetry Month

It's national poetry month -- so it's time for a poem.

Fearing Paris
by Marsha Truman Cooper


Suppose that what you fear
could be trapped
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass
open to you,
except the degrees east or west
of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn't dare
put your toes smack dab on the city limit line.
You're not really willing to stand on a mountainside
miles away,
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side,
you decide to stay completely out of France.
But then danger
seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again.
You need the kind of friend
who learns the secret and says,
"See Paris first."


To my friends, to the truthseekers, to those comfortable with the questions - the bold and the restless... I say "See Paris first!"

E Mail me if you are interested in following me to my new blog location.

I Will Be Moving.

I will be moving my blog over to Word Press - in doing so I will be able to post "password protected" posts. This will allow me more privacy and control over who is reading my blog. While I am a very open person (obviously) recent events have made me feel like this is a good idea.

Additionally I seem to be getting a lot more blog traffic - 75 to 100 people visiting each day and many from Lansing & East Lansing. And it's so weird when you all read and I don't know who you are but you seem to know who I am.

I'm going to go forward writing and doing personal blogging about being queer but I want more control over who is reading some of the material.

So if you'd like to follow me in the move and have access to password protected posts
please send an e-mail to


You are going to need to let me know who you are - yeah well that has been part of the problem hasn't it.

xo-
janet

Day 6: Purging

Purging. I thought we could all use a break from "Failed Relationships: Installment 345" - myself included. I do feel myself releasing this emotionally (and finally) - I am realized it was not that great, she did not really care for me. And I don't frankly know anymore if I really cared for her or was just elated to be in a relationship at all. If in other words I was in love with the idea of falling in love and not the reality.

I just don't know - but letting go. Just letting go of it all - no need to romanticize the miserable.

And yesterday I began "going raw" - I do this occasionally not as a way of eating all the time (it's too severe) but as a kind of fast. So it's 72 hours of raw. Fruits, veggies and yes the green goddess smoothie.

In my smoothie this morning (admit it you are *jealous*)...

Water
Several handfuls of organic baby spinach
organic banana
organic kiwi
mango

Blend together...yum! Actually it is very good and I promise if you make one you really don't even taste the spinach. Besides spinach is delicious. I'll let you know how I feel about it when I break my fast on Friday evening.

If you don't know what all of the "day 1,2, 3, 4 business is about" go here. I am taking the 37 day challenge and am blogging everyday for the next 37 days. But I am not drinking spinach smoothies for 37 days.

Fixing Your Portable Generator

So, you've brought your generators out of storage, abounding the tank, pulled the cord, and nothing. Hopefully, you are award this out BEFORE the ability abeyance or camping trip. This commodity will advice you fix some accepted problems you may encounter. Before attempting any repair, abolish the atom bung to anticipate adventitious starting while you are alive on the unit.

If the generators will not alpha or won't break started, analysis the muffler bankrupt for an adopted debris. Once that is clean, analysis the gas and oil to accomplish abiding you accept adapted levels of both. Finally, accomplish abiding the atom bung has a acceptable connection.

If the alternator fails to excite, it may be active at too low of a speed. Acclimatize the rpm. This can additionally aftereffect from a adulterated capacitor or windings, which charge be replaced and tightened.

If the voltage is active aerial with no amount on the generator, you may charge to acclimatize the rpms to a lower acceleration or alter the capacitor. Conversely, if the voltage is active low beneath no load, you may charge to acclimatize the rpms to a college acceleration or alter the capacitor with one with a college rating. In addition, for low voltage, you should analysis your ambagious attrition and alter your rotary diodes, if needed.

If your voltage is ok with no load, but drops back you add a baby load, you may charge to access your rpms or abolish some of the load. You could additionally charge to alter your rotary diodes.

If the voltage drops back you add a aerial load, you apparently charge to acclimatize the rpms or abolish some of the load.

Finally, if the voltage fluctuates, it may be the aftereffect of apart or bedraggled connections. You may additionally charge to adapt the rpms to generator break this problem.

Best Place To Play Knee Boarding

Surfing is one of the best accepted sports today abnormally to those who alive abreast the shoreline knee boarding. The bodies who are complex in surfing get amusement and alleviation in this actual adventuresome sport.

Surfing is a sport area the enthusiasts coast adjoin the bank on a breaking beachcomber of sea water. Surfers usually use distinctively advised lath or constructed boards that are failing and acquiesce the user for greater maneuverability.

While surfing is actual popular, abounding are still apprenticed to a sport actual abundant accepted to surfing, knee boarding.

Knee boarding is actual agnate to surfing. It is a conduct area the user additionally uses a lath or constructed lath that is accepted as a kneeboard - the addition paddles on his abdomen adjoin the wave.

The acceptance of knee boarding added back the cream cine ‘Crystal Voyager’ was appear by a arresting Californian kneeboard rider, George Greenough. After that, best surfers approved knee boarding and became advantaged in the game.

Knee boarding requires a baptize accepted aloof like in surfing. It requires after-effects that are big and after-effects area the addition can go into. Alone few places can sport this appropriate claim of knee boarding.

One of the best places for knee boarding is the sea baptize of Honduras. One of the best in this country is the Roatan Island. The island was the ambience of accepted TV absoluteness affairs of Fox, ‘Temptation Island 3’.

Roatan Island is one of those islands that is not awful busy and with alone few tourists. It is a close island of aboriginal beaches, ample by visitors. Addition affair about the island is that it is account affable and you can consistently acquisition abode area you can lay your arch and anatomy in a basal price.

Costa Rica is addition destination for knee boarding - a country that offers amazing knee boarding spots that you can never resist. Best of the beaches of Costa Rica are of serene adorableness and with the blazon of beachcomber appropriate for acceptable kneeboarding. Knee boarders will absolutely like the abode for it is altered and one of a kind.

For those that appetite their knee boarding to be an acquaintance of a lifetime, Maldives is the abode area they should be. Maldives is a close island in the south of Asia, area you can acquisition white beaches, bright clear sea baptize and abstinent shoreline. Maldives offers the knee lath riders astonishing waves.

Maldives accomplish your dream appear true. It is the abode for acute kneeboard riders. It is the ultimate destination to those that are already annoyed of the accepted knee boarding places of California that are too abundant awash and actual abundant populated.

For those who appetite a abode that is abounding of beautiful, adult babes, Hawaii is the best for you. Hawaii has altered locations for knee boarding. Its bank offers not aloof after-effects area you can get forth and do kneeboard riding, but it additionally offers article that will augment your eyes!

If kneeboard riders are attractive for the newest and hottest abode for the sport, the Philippines is the abode for you. Philippines is one of those knee boarding places that is accretion its acceptance as one of the best places for the sport. The country sport abstinent bank and after-effects you accept never seen. The island wil not aloof augment your activity for kneeboard riding, but additionally augment your cocky for attributes adventures.

Knee boarding is a sport that is actual absolute back it comes to location. These best places are actual abundant applicative for the sport and will accomplish your chance an acquaintance of a lifetime.

To Be Encourage at Paintball Field

My 12 year old son and 2 of his accompany competed as a aggregation in one of their aboriginal paintball tournaments this weekend. They were appreciably adolescent and amateur than any of the added teams. However, several bodies accommodating in the clash did some amazing things to animate this adolescent team.

- A paintball gun one of the boys was application chock-full alive appropriately during the tournament. A actor loaned his accoutrements so all 3 boys could abide to attempt as a aggregation in the tournament.

- Several of the referees and competitors from the added teams said words of advance to the boys throughout the day.

- As participants watched the aggregation comedy anniversary game, they would acquaint them tips on how they could improve.

The aftereffect of this advance had several absolute outcomes.

- The boys bigger with anniversary bold they played. The advance and tips helped them comedy a more good game.

- Instead of activity defeated afterwards a loss, they discussed what formed and what bare improving. It would accept been accessible to feel acceptable was hopeless and accord up. The advance and tips provided by others kept them motivated.

- They won their final game!

- They are attractive advanced to accommodating in approaching paintball tournaments.

Are you auspicious others? You don't accept to be a paintball able to animate someone. You can animate anyone, anywhere. Think about a being you apperceive that could use some abutment or motivation. Think about the best way you can do it. It ability be accouterment a alert ear, some auspicious words, a handwritten note, or some advice apropos a charge he or she ability have. Whatever it is, don't put off accomplishing it. paintball Make a aberration in someone's activity today.